not spanking

This is not mine. Original post here.http://memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com/2009/10/on-spanking.html 

 

Recently something hit me hard that I just have to talk about. I have been reading a very inspiring, touching book by a Christian author about motherhood and the strong vocation it is.

When I bought the book from Amazon, a few recommendations came up below my purchase for other books by different authors...as in, "You'd like these too"...I clicked on one I had heard suggested before...one of those books I believe is "making the rounds". I checked out the ratings...and found it was pretty much divided between one star and five stars. I was surprised...just because I had this assumption that it was a beautifully inspiring book...the title and the picture, the premise...but when I checked out the criticism, I was shocked. Apparently there was an entire chapter on spanking! Like in...it's good! Complete with how-to's, age recommendations (as young as 6 months!), an explanation on "why" it's so necessary...seriously, sick stuff in my opinion.

When I read what this author wrote about this form of discipline, I felt sick to my stomach. I just felt so "icky" the rest of the day...that this author, as a grown man, as someone who can influence parents, can actually believe what he is writing...as a parent, he sees this method "turn out" good? And that there are some of us moms who actually discard our gut feelings, what we KNOW is right and turn our inner spirit away from our children, towards someone we don't even know...and listen to this garbage?!

Let me tell you something I KNOW FOR SURE:

Spanking will NOT make your children behave better. MAYBE at that immediate time and place, it will make them stop what they are doing out of pain and fear. MAYBE it will make it look, to you and to others, that it "worked". But be prepared...if you practice this form of discipline often, in more ways than one, you will create a ripple effect of emotional damage that will rear it's ugly face in the later years.

If you are spanking it the name of religion...in the name of Jesus (as this seems to be a "popular" reason)...you are doing the opposite of everything he has ever taught. Can you see him physically hurting a child? Raising his hand towards a child? In the name of ANYTHING? I've heard it before...the old "Spare the rod, spoil the child."  If you spank in the name of Christianity, you might want to revisit Jesus Christ and everything he has ever stood for. He treated and talked about children as if they were GOD himself...the closest thing to pure innocence and goodness as you could ever get.

Absolutely, discipline is necessary in raising children. LOVING your children IS disciplining them. LOVING your children is NOT physically HURTING them to make them do what you want. If you have to HIT your children to make them learn, you are NOT parenting correctly in the first place.

How to LOVE/DISCIPLINE your child:

Children need your attention. They need to trust you, and to know that you love them. They need your instruction in words. They need to model behavior. They need you to know their limitations...I'll tell you when I've felt the urge spank a child (and we all do!), it's because I've made the wrong choices! Not them! I've expected too much of them, I've skipped a nap, I haven't been consistent and clear in my expectations, I've dragged them on too many errands, I've stretched meal times too long! I've been too busy with other things...material things, worldly things, things so much LESS important than a spirit of MY child. Break downs happen because of US. If your child's behavior stinks, look at yourself good and hard....change YOUR behavior, change your lifestyle.

I think spanking is the "easy way out". It's a quick fix. It's a way of "training" a child, without doing the work. But we all learn....quick fixes all come back to haunt us right? You might see a change in behavior, but NOT in the behavior you want...everything you are trying to "train" against, will show up...anger, aggression, mistrust, dishonesty...the list goes on and on. After all...you reap what you sow.

There is NO right way to spank. There is NO "proper procedure" to follow. I've read spanking is acceptable if you don't do it in anger, and if you explain WHY you are doing it. That's more twisted than ever in so many ways. "I'm going to inflict physical pain on you, because you just hit your sister? I am not angry, but I just want you to hurt."   It doesn't make sense at all.

Sometimes you might hear, see or think, "Geez, what that kid needs is a good old spanking!" I guarantee that what that child needs is EVERYTHING but a spanking! I think in the older generations, NOT spanking is associated with overly permissive parenting...where the child rules the roost and any behavior goes. Yes, there is a prevalence of that today...but I can assure you, it's not a result of not hitting the children...it's a result of parents being unwilling to spend time teaching their children the right way to behave. Unstructured environments, no bedtimes, no regular meals, no predictable schedule...the list is long. I think it's lazy parenting...and it has nothing to do with the prevalence of spanking...they are one in the same in a way...the easy way out.

What's the hard stuff?

Attention, love, change of scenery, a good healthy meal, a good nap, a good book, consistency, hugs, a stern conversation, a calm environment, a clear set of enforced rules, a time out to refocus, strong parental relationships, a long walk, some fresh air, a loving grandma, a safe home, knowing your child....the stuff that takes a heck of a lot more time than hitting them does. The stuff that takes a piece of you...your LOVE, your SPIRIT, your TIME.